the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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