at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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