I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
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I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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