Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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