I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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