just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
