I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
