DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
