A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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