Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.