I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
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hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?