Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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