fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
