God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
