toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
