I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
