there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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