my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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