Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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