i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
