Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
