I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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