I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
