Umm I'm too high to move.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
