yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
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They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
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Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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