Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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