White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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