drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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