ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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