Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
