if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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