She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
