im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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