Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
