Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
