I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
