those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize