I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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