I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
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the only muscles i have these days is kegels
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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