why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
