My Higher Power is John Stamos
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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