I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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