My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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