I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
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im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online