If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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