She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
