Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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