I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
