He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
