I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
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Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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