Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
