This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
