I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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