Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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