I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
