My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize