What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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