I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
